Well they say, even the best laid plans go to hell

story of my life. I graduated with my BSN 5 months ago, passed my boards 3 months ago, and still don't have a an official RN job. I am so glad i spent 5 years on this career choice. I hear after my one year experience I can go anywhere and do more, but I really have risk my mental health for a one year experience that just might kill me? or worse, suspend my license? idk kids....
I had big plans was to move away from certain (several actually) situations in downtown oHIo. There are certain people that I rather not ever see or run into here, or around here. I hoped to achieve that by moving 500 miles away but as always, GOD had othere ideas. He's not ready to separate me from this wet, gray, cold place. So I'll keep on truckin' on. Story of my life. And what about this house of interest and in dire need of love and repair? Well, that's not happening right now but i do believe it is time for me to get my own place.... Somewhere in this world.

So, yeah, its been a while...

Its crazy how things can change. hopes, dreams, plans, and careers. I am still seeking employment and it would be super ironic if the only place that would hire me is located an hour north of ground zero... anyone who was on Kingsgrave road July 5th knows what I mean.
I need an escape far enough not to be in the loop or accountable for anything. i found that place but my career is not finding me. So im going after it with vengeance! PA, MD, DC, VA, WV, NC, SC, FL, TX, and cali are all far enough away. now which one will get me? whoever calls first!!!

Im almost out of monet but im having the summer of a lifetime, so if I end up in BFE for a year, at least i enjoyed my unemployment time!!

i still believe, like its a bad thing

So when you get burned, don't say i didn't tell you....
So Graduation is a month plus one day away. do I have a job lined up? no, but im calling. sometime soon after i turn in my 1000 point project. Do I know what type of nurse i want to be? No, but I do enjoy ortho. I rather have respiratory and GI over the brain and heart. does that help?
Its crazy how my hopes and dreams have changed in 8 months. I started with living and working in Ohio. then I went on vaca for my birthday and felt I wanted to move to richmond....then, I wanted to stay here and become caretaker of my broken down childhood home. Now that is on hold and i want to move with richmond. i can't take this weather and living in the snowbelt seems like insanity to me.
To fix this problem, i decided i was going to take my board tests twice, one in ohio, and the other in virginia. if i fail one then thats a sign. I would have two licenses in both states plus all of the compact states that virginia is apart of. but oh

"You pay for one test,ok? and you take only one test, ok? then you send it to only on state board of nursing, ok?"
Well thats for the ohio test, but what about the virginia test?
"You take only one test, ok? then you send it to only one board of nursing,ok?"
Ah, thank you.
"Did I answer your questions?"
yes, thank you
"do you have any questions?"
no, goodbye

So i cant take 2 tests, only one. then I have to pick state they send the results to. wtf. really? so the state i picked was no ohio. and I have my reasons and i have plenty of professional and personal references that would agree, but i digress.
No matter which i would have picked, I would have felt guilty that im betraying my loved ones.
But life is not about guilt, its about happiness. and being in virginia makes me happy. mb i'll hate and want to burn the state down, but I'll never know unless i go. mb I'll fall in love with it and have a great life in my apartment with all my shit surrounding me. Since I've made this decision, I have formulated plans in my head to get my own apartment (no roommates) and budget my bills.
So tomorrow I will steal all the phone numbers from the internet and call the hospitals to see if they are hiring new grads!

In my head

So my aunt is in town for week. That family is so exhausting. From the aunt that lives with my grandparents all I hear is how she wants them others to leave and she is not looking forward tu madre coming into town. I just dont understand.
im just used to different family dynamics, were one tells it like it is and exactly how you should fix it. But all the passive aggressiveness in that house drains me emotionally of all my energy. IDK what they are going to do when tu madre comes home, but i wont care bc thats my graduation weekend and its all about me!!! woot woot! Less than 2 monthes till I fn graduate!

Do this huge favor for me..

Oh man, i took a 6 hours nap today and I am supposed to be working on my casestudy, but I have decided to watch all my tv shows instead...now i have a HA and want to go back to bed. Last week ended spring break. I visited VA and got 60 hours in at school!!! I just need to print all that shit and tie it together. We went downtown to the bars and it was amazing. I could totally see myself living downtown and walking to work at the huge MCU they have there.
I just feel like there is so much out there for me to experience and learn. I want a hospital that is going to teach everything that I can fit into my cranium!! I have the basics, the very basics down, but the insights and leadership I need to increase!
I have contacted the hospital down there and should prob call them tomorrow, if I can fall asleep. For the last week Ive been up at 530a!! gross

Why are you asking me?

Its not my gd history. So yesterday on the unit. *woof* Apparently my verbal assessment of this guys legs were not good enough. So when this Dr. came in, he freaked out!!! The Dr before him wrote they were really bad and didn't give him enough info. wtf. So he's yelling and screaming up and down the hall. And thats when i decided: I moving out of here for a job. i don't think up north is hiring really, so Im going to contact other states. I going to start on a letter to other organizations. Its going to take me a couple of days to perfect, but Im going to get the ball moving!!!

Im tired of singing

It has begun to snow again. I wouldn't care except I have to work till 11pm tonight and last time I tried to leave work I turned around to return to work so my dad could pick me up. People are crazy!!! We were backing down hills, then they tried to go around someone backing down the hill ontop of a hill. Nope, not me. So hopefully today will be better. I hope!!
So after I get home it can snow like crazy and cancel clinical of the mental health unit tomorrow! That would be awesome!

Remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories are haunted

So today was my cousin birthday party. I was able to attend this birthday party bc my clinical was canceled. why?? Bc my lady didnt even work today even tho she told me to come. wtf!!! I get my hw done and then went to church. After church, I attended my cousin bDAY! she turned one! So even tho I got one of the worst standing spots ever! next to my aunts long time friend, I didnt freak out bc the great aunts should get to see the baby open her present.
ok fine.
So we are taking pic of the fam and trying to make the baby laugh. After we had sandwiches, which were delish! we had cake. Well this lil gurl tore into her cake and got it all over her hair, face, and in her eyes. then she tried to crawl out so there was cake everywhere!!!
Since she got new clothes for her birthday my aunt cleaned her up and changed her. So after that these relatives related by marriage to me starting talking about my gma's furniture. Esp the hutch, which my Aunt willed to me. The kept saying how they where going to take it home since they had their truck with them. TACKYYY!!!! And then they moved in on my grandpa's desk.
OH HELL~
So here comes my aunt's friend the baby and tell me that her and I are the bitches of the party. ahah. I couldn't believe it. I Asked her why and she said, that those people were bitching about us. WHY??

I try and try to be nice to people esp since they are related but I didnt do anything!! I had to stand behind my aunt and the baby trying to take pics. I didnt do anything!!!! i also got pics of my family.
Morale of the story: next time Im going to give them a reason to call me a BITCH!

And the warnings from her family whirl like a hurricane

She sits among the pieces of broken glass and photographs
Reluctantly releases the last of what was her past
It struck without warning or did she just ignore the signs
In those dark clouds forming behind those silver lines

The door it slammed like thunder and the tears they fell like rain
And the warnings from her family whirl like a hurricane
She's drowning in emotions and she cannot reach the shore
She's alive but can she survive the storm

A broken jewel box dancer in pieces down the hall
She's finding out the answers don't change nothing at all
It's time she stopped searching for who's to blame or what went wrong
The only thing for certain is he's gone, she's got to move on

The door it slammed like thunder and the tears they fell like rain
And the warnings from her family whirl like a hurricane
She's drowning in emotions and she cannot reach the shore
She's alive but can she survive the storm

Someday days just roll on by without a gray cloud in the sky
She keeps telling herself, "I will make it on my own"
And her friends they've all gone back to their lives
Thinking she will be all right
As she races through the night to make it home

The door it slammed like thunder and the tears they fell like rain
And the warnings from her family whirl like a hurricane
She's drowning in emotions and she cannot reach the shore
She's alive but can she survive the storm

If it hadn't been for cotton eye joe, Id been married a long time ago..

More like If I wasn't such a hard ass, independent, smart, hopeful, realistic, do-it-your-damn-self, suspicious woman, Id prob be marries to the first addict to kiss me. Unfortunately, there was multiple. gross. So why bring of marriage?? Well, work has hired several new people and they always ask me, "You have any kids or a husband?" aahaha. F* No lady. Im too smart for that merry-go-round.

"Im married to school." Is usually what comes out of my mouth tho, fo now.

Yesterday was my first mental health clinical, and it was fn nerve racking.

"They are more anxious than you. just relax and talk to them."

Are fn kidding me??? Obviously you have never met any of the mental cases in my family. Thier whole plan is intimidation and eat their young, literally. HA! But in the back of my mind is that patient that is my uncle; unpredictable, hostile, and with unlimited triggers. My dad isn't there to stop him and my mom isnt there to threaten him. *I guess Im a real adult* So my biggest fear going into this clinical is that something I would say would be a trigger and I would be rushed to the ER with half my face. Not the case.... not this week anyhow.

It was actually (dare I say it?) enjoyable. I talked to my patient for 45 mins then we had group. HA, whata joke. We (the students) have to put on a group activity and it is going to be BOMB ASS when we think it up!!! I almost fell asleep, but 4 people participated and really reflected on the subject material. What more could you ask from addicts???

So, to put it all together, I think I met my future husband in the mental ward wednesday. What is it that makes me want to fix these FD^ men??? Mb bc Im such a hard ass, independent, smart, hopeful, realistic, do-it-your-damn-self, suspicious, stable woman with hopes and dreams I just want to tAke them for the ride and have them experience what normal is..

IDK. Mr. X is out, somewhere. I just hope he's not taking a HIT right now...

it's kind of like vegas...

What you do here, see here, and do here, stays here. Thats on my orientation video for my preceptorship. 120 hours of free labor and being driven insane. oh this semester is taking off and I just want to stay in bed. next month I only work 2 days a week!!! shocker. i think its the wisest decision r/t keeping my mental health in my last semester!!

So I sit here with a drink and try and remember when my resume is due... ooo thats margarita is soo goood!! i have mental health clinical tomorrow. why doesnt a day with my family count??? If off to read the chapter on major depression. Im excited about mental health this semester bc I know everyone in that book!

Don't stop, being independent

So school starts tomorrow, actually today in 7.75 hours. yesss. My last semester of under graduate education has begun. I have 2/5 books and can't wait for the rest to come via mail whenever those fucks decide to send them. Im starting a new diet. i hate to call it diet, more like rethinking the way I eat. revamping, if you will. High protein and whole grains. So with all the protein, ibuprofen, and liquor, I will prob go into to kidney failure within 9 years. Welcome to being a nurse. I got a DSi, a coach purse, and D&G glasses for xmas. I can't help it i like nice things and people like enough to give them to ME!!!