If you loved me half as much as I love you

Your nice to me when there's no one else around, you only build me up to let me down.

If you missed me half as much as I miss you, You wouldn't stay away half as much as you do.

So today I would like to discuss how some people change and once again prove that I get the shaft all the time!!

If you know anything about the way my younger brother behaved this summer when he was home, you would find it an even bigger surprise that my hard-ass mother says, "Well there's nothing I can do." Are you kidding me?? AHHHHH. So last summer was a disaster; he punched my cousin and would not stop swearing. Now he's 14, other cousins 13 and 11 wtf. So thats just a sliver of last summer.

Now fast forward to the present. I was going to visit my mother but school got in the way, so extremely disappointed Ive been working like crazy to save money for next semester. I hear that my younger brother is moving in with my mother. He gets away with some much stuff we would have been nailed to the wall on. wtf!!!

When we were little (6-8ish) we never got away with anything! When she got mad that we shut our doors she took them off the hinges!! When we would lock them she would take off the handles. holy shit, how not healthy!! Then when she made us really, really angry she would lock us outside!!! Thats just a sliver of my childhoog, not even mentioning Wyoming. redic.

She would cook us dinner and we didn't like it or we were full, we would have to sit there till it was finished. I remember sitting there till bedtime bc I didn't want to finish it. (no wonder I would get up at 5am ready for breakfast). And homework time was right after dinner, so that was great. We would run the neighborhood till dinner then sit there till bedtime.

So now that she has this 14 yr old with problems that she and his father used to have she is not doing anything to punish him for his crazy actions. She's shoveling snow and making dinner. If that was my kid that acted like that i would living like a queen and he'd be my Cinderella. Scrub bitch scrub!

I just don't get it, or see how not sending him to military school or breaking his back at home is going to break this. Maybe i just hold my self to a higher standard.

your a mean one, mr grinch

So todays Christmas and I everything I wanted. new scrubs and my coat, how practical. Thats me. I got money to pay for my new glasses, woooo! Visited the grandparents and aunt and uncle and updated them on my life and all the crazy happenings. Nothing too big, but it is senior year, so I dont think I could take too much more.

So is happening, but really nothing at all. I have 2.5 weeks before school starts and I working almost everyday. Im a money grubber I guess. Im taking over my car payment next month so I need it. Plus some how my cc balance is growing. wif?

Some days she only wants a break

I finally returned from vaca which mb ill talk about later, but now i want to rant about how people are bitches. After I left my bro in WV I skipped over to V. My Aunt and Uncle did not return till friday and I was supposed to leave saturday morning so I would escape the horrible "this-is-what-u-need-to-do-with-your-life-after-grad-to-be-a-good-nurse" speech. But then the snow storm, fucked me right the a*hole. We spent a hour going back and forth.

'Why don't you move to a city and get a job at a huge hospital? That's where you learn. How about Pitts? Its only 1 hour away? Why do you want to work in a small community hospital? Why?"

I tried to explain, but she never listens to me, ever. so I just listen to the same thig ive been hearing for 5 years and nod head.

FML!!!

Miss. Keep-your-distance

Lil miss apprehensive, oh she fell in love

Tonight I learned a lesson that I think I have forget since Mrs. Suicide died, you never know who you are going to touch or what impact you are going to have on them, so keep your rude comments to yourself, and a smile on your face.

Since my fave passed away, another has, and one more is on her way. She is bedridden, exhausted, and refuses to eat. I went into the room to see the family and provide care to her. Ibegan to call her name and explain what we were going to do, when she open her eyes and looked around, taking in her daughters and her grandson. Then closed them. The daughters began to praise and become estatic that she opened her eyes.

"It's your voice. She opened her eyes right up when she heard your voice."

"She hasn't opened her eyes all day."

"If you think that your not appreciated, or what you do doesn't matter, there's proof it does. She knows your voice."

WOW. That was pretty intense. I didn't know she was not responding to her family. Days ago I had her sitting up and she was feeding herself chocolate ice cream. But today, death is creeping down the hall, robbing her of her cognition, and ability to breath. Later, when more family had arrived the family came to get me to open her eyes again, she briefly opened them and rolled them shut, as if to say, "Not this again. This show pony is done."

She could not ask for a better support system; i remember one day she wanted shrimp and wine for dinner. An hour later her daughter arrived with shrimp and a new bottle of wine! her daughters were with her everyday.

With all this I feel bad that she didn't open her eyes for them, but I'm happy she opened them at all, for anyone, even if it's the last time her family will see her eyes open.

So the lesson that I had re-iterated into my heart tonight was, you never how you will effect people or their family, even right down to the last hours of their life. I believe that her family will remember that moment forever. I hope they have another chance to talk with their mother.

Going into long-term health care you hear that you get attached, you begin to care, but you don't realize it till they are gone. And you all know, by then it's too late. So appreciate them for who they are today, even if they are demanding, nagging, and sometimes mean. Think about thier life. They are at the end of the road and they have no family or friends that visit them. You are all they have, for better or worse. So make the most of it and give the best you have, because for some, that's all they have to look forward to.

I am def not a touchy-feely, open hearted individual, but after 10 months with these people, they grow on you. There are some that make your day alot easier and filled with laughter, and there are some that you could swear are out to ruin your day.

So be nice to the crazies, they don't have anyone to take out their frustrations or their humor on.

Its 2am and Im still awake

I finally have time to waste!! Finals are next week and then Im getting outta here for a week!!! I need a vaca! Life's been crazy and ugly but I made it!!

Feliz Navidad

So thanksgiving is behind us and now onto the Christmas season. I work turkey day, thank you health care, and im working the next 4 holidays to pay for my plane tix and vacations. It hasn't snowed here yet. Well not enough for me to see it at 10am. It's getting cold just in time for my coat to break turning it into a permanent pull over. awesome.

After finals Im driving to the big WV to see my brother. Then in January, Im off to see my mama in her new house. Should be interesting.

i have so much to do before finals its horrible. Like now I should be doing it, but i rather not.

It makes me ill

I hate talking about the day she had surrounded by a bunch of assholes. I hate that she keeps talking about these people that should be cut from her life. I hate it when she doesn't give me her full attention when I call her. I hate how she won't call any of the people that I've told her to call. I have that she's going out of her way to be bored out-of-her-mind. I hate how she does wtf she wants and doesn't care about anyone else's feelings.

I hate how she thinks after 2 drinks I need treatment. I hate how I can't remember the last birthday I spent with her. I hate it that my damn family can't get along. I hate how I really don't know my family r/t the former but can explain their behavior beautifully. I hate how she tells me what to do when she never followed it. I hate how she thinks I'm irrational and angry.

But most of all I hate how much I resemble her and she's not even here.

When love comes around

Going out tonight for some much needed stress relief and fun!!

Gotta be strong, gotta be strong. Tho Im really hurting that your gone

Tonight I realized just how shitty my end of the stick is. WTF is she thinking???

BUt in end, I fn give up. Do whatever the hell you want; You always have

Thought that I'd be helpless without you, but Im smarter

So I talked to the infamous damsel today and she sounds so much better. She went swimming and is planning to workout tomorrow with one of her friends. So, whats her plan??? idk. She doesn't know. She is taking this as a 'break' bc he hasn't given her a real answer. only, "he's thought about it and he's decided." So she's going to ride the week out and see what comes.

I raked leaves today for 2.5 hours and Im a lil worried about my obsession with this damn house and appearances. Today I discovered that there is a rodent living in my garage. oh sweet Jesus. So my solution??? Burn that bitch up!! ahah. That seems to be the answer to everything lately. It would solve two problems actually; Get that animal out of my garage and then I don't have use it my house!!!

She sits and stares into the distance, and it takes all night.

So here we go. Again.

You know when Im starting off with that, its about a relationship....

I just don't fully understand, anything as it turns out. I got marriage shattering news this morning at 11:15am and then continued to work. Bad idea. I am prob getting wrote up but that lady wouldn't let me leave, without hearing my reason for asking. F it.

So this relationship that mystified everyone, survived hundreds of miles in between, and defended cheating emails, is now over. Ah hell. I wish I had the whole story, but all I have is, 'he decided that we shouldn't be married anymore." I like to believe that there are two sides to every story but that is prob quite improbable, and the only story I going to tell him is the one that ends with my new stiletto up his ass.

I don't know her plan, but by hell she better get one. I'll give a week before tracking her down it that dusty lil town. I don't know where she'll be or who she'll be with and Im not sure which one scares me more. It hurts my hart to know she's out there all alone with no one. I believe she needs to come home and get her thoughts, priorities, plan of attack together.

You can never win, you can never lose. Thats the worst part.

I told my friends today that this throws out ALL chances of me ever trusting a man. That's just what it is. I get my heart broken along with every friend/family member who had ever had theirs broken by some asshole. So experiencing that pain directly and being driven crazy by someone who doesn't want me, would prob push me over the edge. I really am shocked that this relationship is over. I just want to scream, cry, and break dishes, all at the same time. I just wish there was something I could do. But once again, I'm powerless and left hopeless; bound and broken on the floor.

And I don't know what I’m supposed to do. So I sit down and I cry too, and don't let her see.

I can see right thru you, like you bathe in windex

So I really don't like animals. I can't stand their smell, their hair, or how they never leave you alone. Any kind of animal, no matter how cute it is. But lately I've been thinking about my future. esp my address and financial plans. We won't discuss the address portion bc that decision (good or bad) has manage to piss off my entire family, so moving on. The only thing I will tell you is that it located in BFE, compared to what Im used to. (You should see the grocery store)

So mondays are always rough for me. Class at 8am and then to the worst hospital to collect my patient info for 645am on Tuesday. Then onto work for 8.5hrs. So monday morning I had a quiz at 8am (I know, how can they expect me to remember my name, let alone wtf a low preload means). So, I get out of bed, get half-dressed, make my tea, and as Im awaiting my bagels to toast I look out the window and see 2 huge blurs run across my backyard. One stops in the opening btwn trees seperating us from our neighbor.

And what is there, staring at me and my house?? A huge BUCK (male deer) with huge antlers. WTF!!! I live in the city, I pay extra money NOT to see wildlife. The one BUCK is still standing there staring at my house. So I do the only logical thing: Start screaming for my dad.

"DAD!!! DAD!! DAD!!!" I begin to look around the house for them. Then back to window to watch him, like a hawk. (ahah).

"DAD! LISA!!!!!! LISA!!!!! DAD!!! FAMILY! Is anyone HOME!!!"

Then it begins to walk along the side of my garage out of my sight. awesome. I can just see it waiting for me to pull out and then charge my egg. Esp bc I had to go to school r/t my quiz.

I finally find my family in bathroom. my parents think it's the coolest thing ever.

"You'll see them all time when you move to*" Well I live here now and I don't want to see that!!

And that brings me to tonight. After clinical and work I check on my dehumidifier and head home. As I merge onto the highway that will carry me home I notice a HUGE black shadow crossing the road. i thought it was a big mutt dog.

But no, the universe continue to think my life is a galactic joke and I see that its a doe, crossing a damn highway!!!

And I just want to know, Why are they so obsessed with me??? So is this a sign? A call of the wild? A sign I should move to BFE or a warning Im going to be scared shitless standing in my kitchen all alone IF i do move??? I hope its the former, but only anxiety and worry will tell.

Ring the alarm I've been thru this too long

So I think over estimate my ability not to care. My step-brother came home this weekend and he woke me to tell me he was leaving today, and off I went back to noonoo town. Maybe it's bc I sent the weekend with my lil man, then was sick, and now it's all coming together, This is for real. But i just miss everyone today. I've never wanted to be so many places at once. I guess that's part of growing up and it sux, really. But I its true, you don't know what you've got till its gone.

I miss midnight snacks with my step-bro. I miss him making fun of our parents together, and I really don't know how im going to get thru November rain without him. I miss teasing him about his hair that he doesn't brush and wondering what else he stole of his sisters.

I miss late night drinks and Zuma with my brother. I miss stopping by and visiting him at work and complaining about work and then going home. I miss having someone to try $4 wine with and watch The Office with. i miss someone screaming UNO! down the hall when I loose a game of UNO! I miss someone distracting me as I tell my mother about how crazy my Gma is.

I guess I just miss my friends.

Baby when Im looking out, Im surrounded by your warm embrace

Right now my life consists of studying, napping, and cleaning bums. Seriously, not homeless bums either, physical bumbums. Im up to 3-4 dAYS a weeks so I can attempt to save for new semester, the most important semester of my life!! Tho I did buy new earrings, they are gorgeous!!!! But it will be a small christmas, not like my super $700 christmases from before that take me all of january and february to pay off. This christmas is going to be, "Thanks for handing over my car payment next month to me Im so excited to be an adult." *kisses* mb one gift for everyone and under $300. The little ones are going to be hard NOT to buy for. They are soo soo cute!!

For christmas I just want some sleep, peace, and able to see everyone. From Brookfield to West Virginia, to Richmond. I just want an enjoyable New years Eve and my health.

oh there goes gravity, its back to reality

so after the 5 minutes it took me to log in im ready to have a meltdown!! I just got home from traffic court, what a joke, just like the rest of my life. The people that were around me looked like they spent all day fixing their and drinking beer. Then the took a nap and kicked their dog on the way out the door to court. OMG!!! Camo pants and ripped T-shirt is not suitable attire for court, no matter how unjust. WTF is wrong with people.

The judge didn't even look at me and it was only $15 cheaper to go in person. No contest your honor.

"Sign that paper and take it to room 5." as he's staring at his desk prob making scribbles of a banana fudge sunday. Welcome to mahoning county bitches!!!

Ima be living the good life

Where have i been the last 2 weeks? well, let me just re-cap. Last saturday one of my best friends gma's died. Calling hours tuesday. Work wednesday, I went in early bc they were frantic. They forgot to mention that they were frantic r/t the state surveyer being in the building!!! Oh, and my favorite resident died. oh, Mrs. suicide I miss you. She died of natural causes, monday morning.

So here i sit on saturday night, studying for 2 tests monday, and one test friday morning. Then friday morning, Im busting outta here to go to VA to see my lil man!!!

There are movie shows, downtown

Have you ever had one of those days were you just want to curse yourself out and hit yourself in the face at the same, with a crowbar, or whatever you may find???

Today, is just one of those times. I should have played sick and stayed in bed, the popo can't get you there, or so I hear.

I had a project to do in BFE today with classmates. ugh, well, lets back-up to yesterday... my friend who is a freshman at my college hates her roomate and needed a break. So I offered to take her home with me for a relaxing day with the fam. ahahahahaha. just hearing it makes me laugh. So anyhow I took her back to the dorms this morning. ANd then, I cut off twice, almost got hit by a minivan going the wrong fn way one a 1 way street, and got lost in attempt to meet my friends before our adventure to BFE. I finally get to BFE and we walk around this town. grrrr

We finally attempt to make the group solution to leave. We tell this gurl, and looks at us, and walks away. wtf!!!! How is the group togetherness???? shoot me, or better yet, throw me on the RR tracks that I've been standing on for 10 mins to prove a point about safety.

So We finally leave and everyone's really moody, and Im attempting to get home so I can have lunch.

Then i see him. The popo. 10 feet behind the 35 mph speed limit sign. FML. As i driving at 50mph, I knew I was Fucked. big time. despite all the useless banter and info swapping i ended up with a tix. FUCK!!!! where's my crowbar??

"You seem like a nice person." tear tear of my copy of the carbon papered tix. "Don't let this ruin your day."

Are fn kidding me??? tear that shit up if you don't want to ruin my day. ahhhhhhhhhh FUCK.

The popo, who was nice enough to make a court appt for me, told me if I go, they wont charge me the full fine. But he forgot to mention the court costs they charge for your 4.3 mins of explaining they charge you. im planning on going, but who knows, I could be dead by then.

ps. I've been off work for 7 days, so now is NOT the time to be racking up unnecessary bills.

FUCK!!!

next time I'll talk about my love affair with beyond the norm and how I luv excess and that's prob why i speed, but not tonight, im tired.

To be in love I didn't know you had to fight to have the upper hand....

And there you are on your knees.

So I hate that my laptop has this box below the keyboard that you can use you fingers on to navigate the screen. idk wtf it's called, but I paid for this it would ripped off by now. it has a mind of it's own and F's up all my osts and starts the letter 4 lines behind. ahhhh

Anyhow. Lately I've been going to a certain bar with my friends on friday nigts, bc let's face it, work fn sux. I spend 8 hrs cleaning up shit and 30 mins bitching about it while I try to eat my frozen dinner. So, about 1.5 years ago I noticed that someone from my past worked there. He did not aknowledge me. Previous to these encounters, he worked at kiki's-midnights- for awhile. So we had a chance to talk-flirt- and move on from our previous hx.

So a couple of weeks I go to this bar, fully assurrerd that he DOES NOT still work there, bc that would a record for him. So who do I see> him. My contacts get real fuzzy, which pisses me off too. So I was not sure. So my friends go to leave after a couple drinks, which I def! needed, and he's sitting at the bar. ironically, that's where he was the last 2 times I saw him :) I thought he would just ignore me.

He saw me, and actually put down his beer and hugged me. I introduced him to my friends, then my wildest friend leans over to introduce herself to his friend, nugging the boy from my past at the right time, spilling his beer all him. HAHAHAHAHA.

It was the best moment of my ruined day. we left. I went to Shetts and tried to buy a bottle of wine to keep my spirit going,but it was after 1am. wtf. So I went home, and realizes how drunk I really was, laid in bed for 1 hour before I finally fell into a giddy sleep.

Just like I always wanted...Im going to find someone someday who might actually treat me well.

Oh well, oh well, it never took a lot to make this hard

You were so off balanced and I knew just the right words

So I told you that story to tell you this story, I've been thinking about my future a lot, after school and graduation, and then the NCLEX.

I've decided that Im moving out of my parents house when I graduate, def. I need space and freedom. Getting the 3rd degree about having alcohol whil reading my textbook does not fit into my freedom scale. Im love my parents but I want my own damn house with my own rules. I respect thier rules and thier sleep schedules, but I want to be able to make my own schedule.

Here's what you have been waiting for....my potential future homes: cleveland and richmond.

Im sorta thinking of taking my NCLEX in both states and going from there...

But remember, I could die in Africa then I wouldn't have to worry about choosing, or student loans.

So here's how I told my dad. We were talking about how ronald just moved out....

"What would you do if I moved out?"

'That would be ugly' and walks downstairs

"What would say if I moved to richmond?"

'which richmond?' bc i have an externship in richmond heights this summer

"Richmond VA" I hide behind the cupboards and hold my breath

'Why would you that?'

"Theres babies in VA, there are no babies on OH"

'Whens the nextime you are going down there??'

"next month"

then we started to talk about houses and friends...and I related everything back to Richmond, but he had the final word...

'Well, if really you want to move to Richmond, there's nothing I can do to stop you. You have to do what you have to do.'

Admitting that I'm bullheaded and nothing can stop me from attaining what I want was a good way to end the conversation.

PS> If there was not a church in Richmond there's no way in the lake of fire I'd move there

And it burns likes gasoline

I always say how I don't need you, but it's all going to come back to this

Please don't leave me...

So now I would like to talk about my future after nursing school, if i live that long. Bc lets face it, I could be dead by then.

The mother mentioned in my previous post has been one of my best friends for my whole life. oviously she hasn't made the best decisions regaurding love, sex, and money. 1st, love, and well sex rolled together. Last summer she told that she was prego before she even told her parents. ah!!! And this wasn't the first time she has been prego, more like the third. No, she does not have 3 kids, only 1. So the 1st and 2nd time were aborted, electively. After those 2 incidents you think someone would learn that taking antibiotics and birth control is not a reliable source of a baby free life.

So her son was a product of her and a Honduran illegal working man. They met in bar 9how sweet9 and it ramping, raging sex after that. They do care for each and she moved in/out with over the course of 1.5 yrs of baby-free coupleship. So when the idea MARRIAGE came up, they faced a huge prob bc he's not supposed to be here. For them to get married, they have to ship thier asses back to Honduras and get married there, then have Honduras write some letter for him, and the he would apply to get a green card. That was over a year ago...

Then came a baby in a amniotic sac. Back to last summer, i know she's prego and so do my parents, but not hers. So she comes to bible school and people notice. She's a big gurl, baby weight is different that adipose tissue. So some people noticed. Lil man was due Dec5th-ish. Actual birthday? October 11, yeah wtf!

Why was lil man born early? Well, here's what I know and this is the reason. The mother smoked the whole pregnancy. And some weeks before his entry to the world his father was caught driving without a license, multiple times. Since he doesn't legally belong here, he was almost deported. As a side note, every time he was drving a different car, but none of them were his.... a sign of....

Anyhow, all this stress made my friend loca!!! and pre-term birth was it's way. Some lil man spent 2 months in the hospital because of his pre-maturity. I couldn't get down to see him till new years r/t work, school, and the fact they only let limited # of people see him and only during certain times.

But come New years, my ass was holding a gorgous baby boy!!!!!! That visit his mother and I got tatoos and celebrated the new year. The 2nd time I visited him, was before my externship started and we went to the beach in may. yes it was FN cold but he loved it!! Lil man loved the water and watching people. oh that boy is sooo much fun.

The 3rd and most recent time i saw him was right before school, the week before my 22nd birthday. I guess I should have mentioned that they live in pichmond, 7.5 hrs from my house. So that time we went to beach. the next day I went to an amuesment park with my aunt and Uncle and thier 3 crazy kids. Then I had an amazing dinner with lil man and his mother 830 pm!!! But the best part was when my friend was getting him ready for bed and he was crying he was so tired, he turned his little head and said, "AHHH HEDDDDAAAAAA". He said my name!!! My name! So now he says mama and hedda!!! yes, score 769 points for Aunt hedda!!! That was the best birthday present I could have ever gotten.

it's all your fault, you called me beautiful

So I get home tonight from my good night at work to a post-it note on the fridge: hedda paypal 8008725555 GE fraud. WTF does that mean?? I begin to curse to myself bc of course everyone is asleep. GE to me means my local grocery store, and i love my paypal MC, so wtf now? I eat my salad and my poor excure for cooked frozen pizza I managed to mangle this afternoon and go wake up my dad. Which was quite entertaining at 2344.

"Dad what is the post-it about?"

'what'

"The post-it on the fridge"

'what? its about, it's about, its.....'

"Dad?"

'Its about, ah. What did it say??"

"hedda paypal somephone number, GE fraud"

'oh, its, ah about paypal. Some recorded message about GE'

"Oh, thats thier bank."

'its 24 hrs'

WTF that was completely useless in helping me crack my case s calling the number. So I give in and call and whole program is completely automated. It the whole verification process was quite simple to crack; they wanted to know if spend $X on a ring from some online site. yes, yes I did. Please pay them so I can get it!!

So I just got a text from my friend who is a mother of an 8-month old telling me how crazy the club she is at is. wtf. I give up

It took a lot of trying just to get up that hill

So work was exhausting!! My legs ache like something terrible. I got no help with my lil maniacs and told that I need to take control of my floor. I can't take control of the demented, no one can!!! Look at my grandparents, there is just no point in trying to control them or convince them of anything. It's a waste of time.

I still don't know if I have a job in the big C, but Im not worried, I would just the $$$ and working for a big org. After much debating and soul searching I think I want to work for a big org and work downtown. I do like small hospitals but I know there's sooo much more out for me to learn and experience, even if I have no idea what Im doing. I don't know where I will work at when I graduate, or even what state...

I think my parents ar going thru the oppisite of empty nest syndrome right now. i think they are experiencing the throw the chichlettes out of the nest and see if they fly syndrome. Really, i think they are sick of our drama. With my wild adventures, nana getting a tat, and tater moving out. 9and yes Im still using code names9

My eyes and hurting so Im about to go noonoo or watch some TV, anything but school work, which spread allll over my desk.

here we go again

So here I sit blogging, again. My last blog got boughtout or dismantled or something. I had some pretty good confessions on there. That blog helped me thru a lot of emotions and things I couldn't say but wrote. When it was shut down, I was relieved and sad at the same time. There is no way I can get those blogs/thoughts back and that is good thing. It was a huge door slamming on my horrible selfish decisions that I made in my youth. So I'm starting fresh with more maturity, knowledge, and higher morale compass (most of the time ;) ).

I am starting off this semester with tons of hope and optimism and confidence. I am taking OB, high acuity care, and community health nursing. I just filled out my paperwork for a passport today to go on a trip to nigeria, africa after new years for 2 weeks!!! So im off to work to raise that money for that trip.