"You, more than anyone, should know, that whats dead, should stay dead."

Words to live by. In a ridiculous beginning to my day, a day i thought I would be peacefully sleeping well past noon, I cant stop laughing, on the inside, well its prob that diabolical 7year old girl I have suffocated in hopes of erasing all memory of her and her memories, but here they are @515. My first thought in reading these 2 messages from someone I refused to be associated with online and real life if I can escape it, was what the fuck is wrong with you?

I can honestly say, I have no recollection. Also any smart nurse's defense should she go to court, is my defense. But apparently I can cause alot of emotional, oh what was it?? Here we are, "it hurt and is still emotionally traumatizing." Im not going to share all the words, because it's redic and completely embarressing if true, which I will not admit to. BC I dont remember, just like Im not going to apologize for vomiting on your shirt when I was 6monthes, bc you- prob deserved it and I refuse to take responsibility for something that happened 24yrs ago.

This situation was only 16? yrs ago, but seriously, a 7yr old destroyed your life. What a bad ass little girl, oh a "like yyour mom...what a phsycho". Spell check, seriously, I cant stop laughing and smiling, which might show how fucked up I really am. The things I do remember, should not be shared, like drunken fights between my mother and her husband (by close relation), cops, arrests, 4am journeys to track down said husband who was shacked up with some woman somewhere in the woods. Rumors that his ex wife ran drugs from mexico, and jumping on cars. I remember we almost moved into a trailer, I remember ex-step father (ugh) and his kids living in a camping trailor, when the adults sobered up enough to come to the realization that maybe they need sometime apart and the situation isnt the best, for them or maybe they thought of us kids, and I also remember, honing my packing skills to be ready in 5minutes when my mother decided to leave, several attempts, no successes, til grandma came!! Then only us 2 accomplices got out.

Those are the memories I lock deep in my head, not the day to day bullshit. Somedays we went to school, somedays we stayed home to babysit our x month old brother while our parents were out trying to destroy/find each other. I remember digging a hole in the back yard bc we wanted a pool, I remember a dog, female rottweiler we had, that disappeared one day. THAT is what I remember.

So no, I do not want pictures, I dont want to remember any of it, but I believe that somehow with all the rage and fear that I carry from then, I has helped me become the person I am today, a little, Im giving those terrors that much credit, my father and stable family units had a LOT to do with the successful person I am today.

The things I learned from then, the only things I need to carry with me in my heart are: 1. If a man beats he, he better kill me, because when I get out of the hospital and have all the bruises and cuts measured and documented, his ass doesn't have long. And not a jury of my peers, nurses who see the same pathetic cycle repeat and abused children, will convict my ass. 2. If a man ever cheats on me, that will the last time he ever sees me. There is no "I'm sorry" or present big enough. I dont care what we ever had between us. Now, the other woman, will not be so lucky. She will see my face again or maybe for the first time, fo sho' 3. I will never move away from my family or home for a man. Sorry, if I ever do, Im bringing them with me. 4. If I ever have kids, they will be the light of my life, spoiled ass rotten and never have any of these memories.

So when that past comes and slaps you in the face @515am, spit it out, turn and smile, because without a shit past, we don't know how amazing today and the future is.

And to the person I caused, wait, it was, "emotionally traumatizing" with all these memories and the environment I was in for 2 shit yrs, I believe, blame your father is the answer. But I can tell he's looking for closure, or maybe like his therapist told him, he's trying to move past his shit past and confront his emotional terrorist though only 7yrs old in his head. I don't believe he came to this emotional cleansing on his own, I believe the 12 steps have a hand in it. And good for you, you prick, I coped and moved on with becoming addicted, to anything or anyone. I am sorry, Sorry your not as strong as me & mine who are above that shit. But looking back, you never had a chance, I AM sorry you couldn't get away from your father and refuse to look at his actions as I do. I blame my mother too. But blood is thicker than water, and those events have given my drive, persistence, and the fear of GOD to be better than any of those demons and ghosts chasing me from the west.

So that is the only apology you will ever get from this grown 7yr old. The next thing you send me better have an address, where I can send my restraining order. Because you think I was crazy, or "phsycho" when I was 7??? Bitch, you should see me now!!