it's kind of like vegas...

What you do here, see here, and do here, stays here. Thats on my orientation video for my preceptorship. 120 hours of free labor and being driven insane. oh this semester is taking off and I just want to stay in bed. next month I only work 2 days a week!!! shocker. i think its the wisest decision r/t keeping my mental health in my last semester!!

So I sit here with a drink and try and remember when my resume is due... ooo thats margarita is soo goood!! i have mental health clinical tomorrow. why doesnt a day with my family count??? If off to read the chapter on major depression. Im excited about mental health this semester bc I know everyone in that book!

Don't stop, being independent

So school starts tomorrow, actually today in 7.75 hours. yesss. My last semester of under graduate education has begun. I have 2/5 books and can't wait for the rest to come via mail whenever those fucks decide to send them. Im starting a new diet. i hate to call it diet, more like rethinking the way I eat. revamping, if you will. High protein and whole grains. So with all the protein, ibuprofen, and liquor, I will prob go into to kidney failure within 9 years. Welcome to being a nurse. I got a DSi, a coach purse, and D&G glasses for xmas. I can't help it i like nice things and people like enough to give them to ME!!!

If you loved me half as much as I love you

Your nice to me when there's no one else around, you only build me up to let me down.

If you missed me half as much as I miss you, You wouldn't stay away half as much as you do.

So today I would like to discuss how some people change and once again prove that I get the shaft all the time!!

If you know anything about the way my younger brother behaved this summer when he was home, you would find it an even bigger surprise that my hard-ass mother says, "Well there's nothing I can do." Are you kidding me?? AHHHHH. So last summer was a disaster; he punched my cousin and would not stop swearing. Now he's 14, other cousins 13 and 11 wtf. So thats just a sliver of last summer.

Now fast forward to the present. I was going to visit my mother but school got in the way, so extremely disappointed Ive been working like crazy to save money for next semester. I hear that my younger brother is moving in with my mother. He gets away with some much stuff we would have been nailed to the wall on. wtf!!!

When we were little (6-8ish) we never got away with anything! When she got mad that we shut our doors she took them off the hinges!! When we would lock them she would take off the handles. holy shit, how not healthy!! Then when she made us really, really angry she would lock us outside!!! Thats just a sliver of my childhoog, not even mentioning Wyoming. redic.

She would cook us dinner and we didn't like it or we were full, we would have to sit there till it was finished. I remember sitting there till bedtime bc I didn't want to finish it. (no wonder I would get up at 5am ready for breakfast). And homework time was right after dinner, so that was great. We would run the neighborhood till dinner then sit there till bedtime.

So now that she has this 14 yr old with problems that she and his father used to have she is not doing anything to punish him for his crazy actions. She's shoveling snow and making dinner. If that was my kid that acted like that i would living like a queen and he'd be my Cinderella. Scrub bitch scrub!

I just don't get it, or see how not sending him to military school or breaking his back at home is going to break this. Maybe i just hold my self to a higher standard.

your a mean one, mr grinch

So todays Christmas and I everything I wanted. new scrubs and my coat, how practical. Thats me. I got money to pay for my new glasses, woooo! Visited the grandparents and aunt and uncle and updated them on my life and all the crazy happenings. Nothing too big, but it is senior year, so I dont think I could take too much more.

So is happening, but really nothing at all. I have 2.5 weeks before school starts and I working almost everyday. Im a money grubber I guess. Im taking over my car payment next month so I need it. Plus some how my cc balance is growing. wif?

Some days she only wants a break

I finally returned from vaca which mb ill talk about later, but now i want to rant about how people are bitches. After I left my bro in WV I skipped over to V. My Aunt and Uncle did not return till friday and I was supposed to leave saturday morning so I would escape the horrible "this-is-what-u-need-to-do-with-your-life-after-grad-to-be-a-good-nurse" speech. But then the snow storm, fucked me right the a*hole. We spent a hour going back and forth.

'Why don't you move to a city and get a job at a huge hospital? That's where you learn. How about Pitts? Its only 1 hour away? Why do you want to work in a small community hospital? Why?"

I tried to explain, but she never listens to me, ever. so I just listen to the same thig ive been hearing for 5 years and nod head.

FML!!!

Miss. Keep-your-distance

Lil miss apprehensive, oh she fell in love

Tonight I learned a lesson that I think I have forget since Mrs. Suicide died, you never know who you are going to touch or what impact you are going to have on them, so keep your rude comments to yourself, and a smile on your face.

Since my fave passed away, another has, and one more is on her way. She is bedridden, exhausted, and refuses to eat. I went into the room to see the family and provide care to her. Ibegan to call her name and explain what we were going to do, when she open her eyes and looked around, taking in her daughters and her grandson. Then closed them. The daughters began to praise and become estatic that she opened her eyes.

"It's your voice. She opened her eyes right up when she heard your voice."

"She hasn't opened her eyes all day."

"If you think that your not appreciated, or what you do doesn't matter, there's proof it does. She knows your voice."

WOW. That was pretty intense. I didn't know she was not responding to her family. Days ago I had her sitting up and she was feeding herself chocolate ice cream. But today, death is creeping down the hall, robbing her of her cognition, and ability to breath. Later, when more family had arrived the family came to get me to open her eyes again, she briefly opened them and rolled them shut, as if to say, "Not this again. This show pony is done."

She could not ask for a better support system; i remember one day she wanted shrimp and wine for dinner. An hour later her daughter arrived with shrimp and a new bottle of wine! her daughters were with her everyday.

With all this I feel bad that she didn't open her eyes for them, but I'm happy she opened them at all, for anyone, even if it's the last time her family will see her eyes open.

So the lesson that I had re-iterated into my heart tonight was, you never how you will effect people or their family, even right down to the last hours of their life. I believe that her family will remember that moment forever. I hope they have another chance to talk with their mother.

Going into long-term health care you hear that you get attached, you begin to care, but you don't realize it till they are gone. And you all know, by then it's too late. So appreciate them for who they are today, even if they are demanding, nagging, and sometimes mean. Think about thier life. They are at the end of the road and they have no family or friends that visit them. You are all they have, for better or worse. So make the most of it and give the best you have, because for some, that's all they have to look forward to.

I am def not a touchy-feely, open hearted individual, but after 10 months with these people, they grow on you. There are some that make your day alot easier and filled with laughter, and there are some that you could swear are out to ruin your day.

So be nice to the crazies, they don't have anyone to take out their frustrations or their humor on.

Its 2am and Im still awake

I finally have time to waste!! Finals are next week and then Im getting outta here for a week!!! I need a vaca! Life's been crazy and ugly but I made it!!