"You, more than anyone, should know, that whats dead, should stay dead."

Words to live by. In a ridiculous beginning to my day, a day i thought I would be peacefully sleeping well past noon, I cant stop laughing, on the inside, well its prob that diabolical 7year old girl I have suffocated in hopes of erasing all memory of her and her memories, but here they are @515. My first thought in reading these 2 messages from someone I refused to be associated with online and real life if I can escape it, was what the fuck is wrong with you?

I can honestly say, I have no recollection. Also any smart nurse's defense should she go to court, is my defense. But apparently I can cause alot of emotional, oh what was it?? Here we are, "it hurt and is still emotionally traumatizing." Im not going to share all the words, because it's redic and completely embarressing if true, which I will not admit to. BC I dont remember, just like Im not going to apologize for vomiting on your shirt when I was 6monthes, bc you- prob deserved it and I refuse to take responsibility for something that happened 24yrs ago.

This situation was only 16? yrs ago, but seriously, a 7yr old destroyed your life. What a bad ass little girl, oh a "like yyour mom...what a phsycho". Spell check, seriously, I cant stop laughing and smiling, which might show how fucked up I really am. The things I do remember, should not be shared, like drunken fights between my mother and her husband (by close relation), cops, arrests, 4am journeys to track down said husband who was shacked up with some woman somewhere in the woods. Rumors that his ex wife ran drugs from mexico, and jumping on cars. I remember we almost moved into a trailer, I remember ex-step father (ugh) and his kids living in a camping trailor, when the adults sobered up enough to come to the realization that maybe they need sometime apart and the situation isnt the best, for them or maybe they thought of us kids, and I also remember, honing my packing skills to be ready in 5minutes when my mother decided to leave, several attempts, no successes, til grandma came!! Then only us 2 accomplices got out.

Those are the memories I lock deep in my head, not the day to day bullshit. Somedays we went to school, somedays we stayed home to babysit our x month old brother while our parents were out trying to destroy/find each other. I remember digging a hole in the back yard bc we wanted a pool, I remember a dog, female rottweiler we had, that disappeared one day. THAT is what I remember.

So no, I do not want pictures, I dont want to remember any of it, but I believe that somehow with all the rage and fear that I carry from then, I has helped me become the person I am today, a little, Im giving those terrors that much credit, my father and stable family units had a LOT to do with the successful person I am today.

The things I learned from then, the only things I need to carry with me in my heart are: 1. If a man beats he, he better kill me, because when I get out of the hospital and have all the bruises and cuts measured and documented, his ass doesn't have long. And not a jury of my peers, nurses who see the same pathetic cycle repeat and abused children, will convict my ass. 2. If a man ever cheats on me, that will the last time he ever sees me. There is no "I'm sorry" or present big enough. I dont care what we ever had between us. Now, the other woman, will not be so lucky. She will see my face again or maybe for the first time, fo sho' 3. I will never move away from my family or home for a man. Sorry, if I ever do, Im bringing them with me. 4. If I ever have kids, they will be the light of my life, spoiled ass rotten and never have any of these memories.

So when that past comes and slaps you in the face @515am, spit it out, turn and smile, because without a shit past, we don't know how amazing today and the future is.

And to the person I caused, wait, it was, "emotionally traumatizing" with all these memories and the environment I was in for 2 shit yrs, I believe, blame your father is the answer. But I can tell he's looking for closure, or maybe like his therapist told him, he's trying to move past his shit past and confront his emotional terrorist though only 7yrs old in his head. I don't believe he came to this emotional cleansing on his own, I believe the 12 steps have a hand in it. And good for you, you prick, I coped and moved on with becoming addicted, to anything or anyone. I am sorry, Sorry your not as strong as me & mine who are above that shit. But looking back, you never had a chance, I AM sorry you couldn't get away from your father and refuse to look at his actions as I do. I blame my mother too. But blood is thicker than water, and those events have given my drive, persistence, and the fear of GOD to be better than any of those demons and ghosts chasing me from the west.

So that is the only apology you will ever get from this grown 7yr old. The next thing you send me better have an address, where I can send my restraining order. Because you think I was crazy, or "phsycho" when I was 7??? Bitch, you should see me now!!

You can be addicted to certain kind of sadness

Im speaking of the exhausted, workaholic feeling. I love shopping and traveling, but when nothing is planned and everyone else is busy, I think of all things i want, and how I need money for them and I end up picking up 3/4 days off. This is true is weekend, Saturday Ill be in charge (yikes) something I never want to do, but oh well. You can keep your extra 0.50$. And this AM my manager texted me if I want to work e/n double, 3pm- 7am the next day. Ugh, still undecided, If worked all 12hrs last night I would, super overtime..... "Now and then, I think of all the times you've screwed me over." But I got sent home at 11pm so a float nurse could have her hours, I guess they never get cancelled. So I feel kinda screwed out of my ot, that I deserve. (doesnt everyone?) I was really hoping to be cancelled Saturday, get out of charge duty, but it looks like no. "But I don't want to live that way, thinking it was always something that I did." Oh and we work every other weekend, so it'll be 3 weekends in a row Im working, but my social life is nothing amazing, and the parties I want to go to, I work those days. Today brought to you by... Someone I used To Know- Gotye

whiskey is for sipping and water is for fighting.

Im currently watching a documentary about the bottled water industry and how companies come and pump water and dont pay taxes, or contribute to the community, basically steal this spring water and leave the community dry. In the last months I have become addicted to these documentaries, which leave with all these great business ideas, but you have to be nice to the locals, or they will get angry and make a documentary about how evil u are. Like building a water company, opening a bank, once im rich with capital, being part of the mob, opening a dunkin donuts with a casino in the basement (run by my mob friends), and opening a medicinal marijuana clinic (run by my professional co workers). It just reminds how I get these ideas in my head and obsess over them, until they are my life, haha soml. I still want my sheets but I do not have room in the budget, so I still do not have red sheets and a new comforter, I somehow resisted the urge yesterday, when it was the lowest price since i had been desiring it, even after the bobo vomited on my sheets at 4am....I still am waiting for my fixed up chairs, which will take my extra money this week. So no new sheets and no business plans, yet, but construction continues.

'cause a bad bitch like me is hard to find

Its true. I did some remodeling of this blog, I think it needed it, with summer here and it being 90 degrees outside. So Murphy Law goes, so goes the story of my life. Waiting for validation on a quote, but we will all know soon enough, ugh. Worst case scenario, but I dont run that show, I have enough in my own life.. I cant figure out people, but they seem to have alternative motives, as usual, Ive learned that I really dont have time for bullshit or for you to push my buttons, i still get caught up sometimes and get so angry my heads going to explode, but to derail that train, I try and be as honest as I can. If I dont want old pictures Ima tell you. I dont want that, please dont ask me a 3rd time, you just make me wanna stay away longer, I shouldnt have to drink to cope with your mania. So in a world of passive-aggressiveness, I try to be as straight forward as I can. Some people prob think im a B, but at least you know what im thinking and what i want, even if im wrong. Still working on this in aspects of my life, but construction continues!!

Why you say no.no. no. When its always yeah, yeah yeah

Finally have a day off, yesterday had half a day off but spent it cleaning, recycling, and errands. Or as i like to say, practicing my housewife skills. Someday they will be perfect!! So what has happened in the last 5 months... Well, what didnt happen was: I havent gotten arrested, been placed on some good psych meds, or gotten admitted to the hospital. I believe those are the only things that havent happens, that list is shorter. Still dont have good coping skills so im quite impressed with myself!! I bought a house! In the armpit of the world, all my dreams moving like a gypsy to the Beach, not so enjoyable in real life. All the hurricanes hit the VA beach onthe way to destroy NYC, so i much safer here, with the occasional earthquake from all the "fracking" hahaha. I love reading those articles. The 21st century has come to my home base in search of their natural gas hoarding and the world finally wants to pay us for something. Those people deserve something for owning 40 acres in the middle of nowhere.. Anyhow, I closed on my house valentines day, after 4 months, 50 houses of searching, I found the one. And tho, I graduated from college and have % intitals behind my name, envisioning my capability and bringing myself back into reality and my poor coping skills is still hard. There are some gorgous house here, I looked at several times, and tho I learn they have been "empty" for 3+ years, My desire to have/do it all surpasses my real expectations of what a house should be. I want to restore and and make everything glam and gorgous and have everyone be enveous of what I have and what I did, but in real life the $$$ time, expertese in housing, and dedications out weights me. In short, I do not own a 1920 fixer-upper needs some love, damp moldy basement, 3 story, maid quarters in the attic, house. Nope. As beautiful as the entry way grand stair case, ballroom sized bedroom, and walk up attics were, I reality, where I live, most of the time, I cant handle overhauling a house. "does it have insulation?" What?? I sure as hell hope so... So I live on a dead end street, brick house- less bugs/termite probs, Water proofed basement, deck, and a yard for the bobo. Painted it all, ceilings and all, pics hung on the wall, I own a firproof box, and new furniture. Acting a grown up. I cant believe it's only been three months here, Today I called to cancel my second trash pick up. It seems the city picks up and ties the charges with my water bill. Still working on updating, but even these projects are enough to keep me and my wallet busy. Working overtime at my job, which love tons over my last one. Tho I still dream of going back to school or the ICU, but even the ICU burns you out with ungrateful pts and crazy family members. So who knows,,, what the future holds, Tho i hear it will interesting this summer, as usual. Anyhow, I think im on way to being satisfied with my life/job, but construction continues

soml

its been awhile....yes it has. So many things/ideas/feelings have changed since my last October. I somehow survived my freshman year as a RN. I have switched jobs, started a new job in October, at the mothership. Today I placed an offer on a house, permanently cementing my life in neo. I think this is my fate. I have tried surviving in VA but I dont have my own life there. here is my life. Esp since Halloween. And all those tears are for another day. But everything is going so far the way its supposed to. so thats the soml so far

Well they say, even the best laid plans go to hell

story of my life. I graduated with my BSN 5 months ago, passed my boards 3 months ago, and still don't have a an official RN job. I am so glad i spent 5 years on this career choice. I hear after my one year experience I can go anywhere and do more, but I really have risk my mental health for a one year experience that just might kill me? or worse, suspend my license? idk kids....
I had big plans was to move away from certain (several actually) situations in downtown oHIo. There are certain people that I rather not ever see or run into here, or around here. I hoped to achieve that by moving 500 miles away but as always, GOD had othere ideas. He's not ready to separate me from this wet, gray, cold place. So I'll keep on truckin' on. Story of my life. And what about this house of interest and in dire need of love and repair? Well, that's not happening right now but i do believe it is time for me to get my own place.... Somewhere in this world.