Lets see if you believe in me too

So much has changed since i last wrote. As I sit here writing an ungodly long paper about some bullshit disease listening to Christmas music, I think what else can I do, beside this awful paper?? So here I am. Still in the cold wilderness of the armpit of the world, im a permanent resident now. This ungodly paper is for my first semester of Grad school. The decision to go to Grad is another sick sad joke. But here I am. Writing a paper so I can pass my first semester of Grad school at a ridiculously expense private school so I can continue to bury my head in this health care industry. This industry that makes me so frustrated I cry because no one gives a shit. No one. Im the only one that notices shit- which good for you, because Im the only one standing between you and that white light your family refuses to release you to. So once a week I think, what the hell am I doing?? I should be working in a bank. In the vault counting money. numbers dont lie. There is no gray. You are right or wrong. Figures dont lie and liars dont figure. So my new job in ICU defentitley has its disadvantages. People die all the time. All the time. Not in thier sleep either, think the grandma in TITANIC. traumatic, horrible and messy. with broken bones and lack of oxygen and purple feet. Who needs toes when you could die?? No one cares about the quality of nannas life, as long as shes alive. Stuff her and place on the mantle. Along with accessories- ventilator, tube feed machine, pumping nutrients into her soulless body. Pull her down for holidays and ignore the smell of that bedsore in her ass. because thats no life for this bitch!! let me go!! Everyone says, dont do that to me. But have no problem doing it to nanna. and then nanna gets sent a nursing home bc they cant possibley take care of her- but they signed the consents, they made that decision. If I cant eat or poop when I want, thats no life I want to live. EVER!

If this was a joke, I'd be laughing by now

I dont even know where to start. Alls I know is some things have to charge. I have been feeling an itch for a few months, my birthday came/went, So I thought it was that but its something more, something bigger. Let me explain, I am self diagnosed manic/lower than normal energy levels, and sometime I get these urges to accrue things, and shop and shop and shop...and a week later i return half of it. And other times I feel this bigger pressure to do something, something not 'status quo'. And that is the itch I feel. For the month I have been able to suppress this and think of the big picture, well in 6 months scenario, I didnt take a vacation for my birthday to pay of all the things I have accrued but it didnt seem to help, only not make the hole bigger. So im sitting here redoing my bills, budget, and trying to sort out what bills will be paid first. and realizing that money comes and goes but the thing that needs to change is me and how I handle them. Tons other things need to change to change too, but that takes confrontation, and confrontation takes courage, when your not a screaming maniac doing. So heres to a new year of new adventures, more socialization, and more family time!!

Come LORD Jesus, quickly come

Shits about to get real, real fast. But before it does, Im going to Bible School for 4 days

Sometimes I love you, sometimes its you I can't stand

Why is everything with you so complicated?? One day this will all be a memory. Maybe next week, maybe next year. I think of all the things that have happened in the last year. New car, new job, a house!!! another new car, a raise! Winning the cutest pet contest. Lisa's brain surgery, rehab, radiation, chemo...

One day I will able to think about these times and not cry. One day, not next week, maybe next year. One day these will memories... One day my anger of having to work the day of her surgery and week after will fade, one day. Not next week, but maybe next year.

One day I will be able to speak about the surgery and after care, rehab, and strict medication regimen, and follow up MRIs, to my patients, as a resource and guide, with out crying. Not next week, but maybe next year. One my regret of not being her nurse, but following her wishing of being her daughter, will fade. Not next week, not next year, but one day it will, I pray.

one my resentment of being the only left at home the night she was life-flighted to another hospital will fade. One day, not next week, maybe next year.

One day, these will all be memories, on day.

But your just a boy, and you don't understand.

You wish you were a better man, you don't listen to her, you don't care how it hurts, until you lose the one you wanted, and everything you had gets destroyed.

As my mother used to say, in the past, I didn't start it, but I'll sure as hell finish it.

After a ridiculous friday, a day of laughing til I cried, and anger so hot I could punch you, I feel alot more peaceful. I just got off the phone with the most sane person in the family, and I feel, mhh, not, ok, but not so angry. Distracted maybe after plotting and scheming of how just how sorry I will make you. It will happen, not this week, but when you least expect it. Like you did today. Tho, I knew you were plotting and planning last week, just didn't know how deep.

And I think, batman, why so serious??

Why should give a fuck? I didn't til I learnt some more of your lies and accusations. Then those anger monkey came like fire thru Colorado straight to Oklahoma. Your lucky I am a productive citizen and I actually have something to lose should let them take control of my sense and beat you tell the truth. Your Lucky, not blessed. And are not in clear, not ever. Not after today. I don't care who you are and sure as hell don't want to hear any excuses for your behavior. You think you can bring this to my family and not pay a price? Not get damaged in the process. Nope. You cannot escape the Wrath, and for that I AM sorry. You earned this. So when you least expect your luck to run out, you will see my face, laughing til I cry.

What a tangled web we weave, when we plan to deceive.

I AM sorry no one ever taught you proper social skills or manners, I thought somewhere the public school system would force those on you. But this, this shit is too much to forget, or walk away from. Maybe I should say, go fuck yourself and walk away. BUT blood is thicker than water and sins against my family will not go unanswered. You will get what you earned today, someday, when I decide to release these anger monkeys on your pathetic self. Until then, keep aware.

Your "hunt" for whatever you are looking for, has brought to the wrong family, and the wrong psycho. This is unforgivable and I will not let you talk shit, lie, and demand apologies for things you have fabricated in your twisted head. I hope your journey takes you far away, off the grid far away, because it would be best for you and your fragile emotional states. AHAHHAHA.

Shit just got real. Be aware.

"You, more than anyone, should know, that whats dead, should stay dead."

Words to live by. In a ridiculous beginning to my day, a day i thought I would be peacefully sleeping well past noon, I cant stop laughing, on the inside, well its prob that diabolical 7year old girl I have suffocated in hopes of erasing all memory of her and her memories, but here they are @515. My first thought in reading these 2 messages from someone I refused to be associated with online and real life if I can escape it, was what the fuck is wrong with you?

I can honestly say, I have no recollection. Also any smart nurse's defense should she go to court, is my defense. But apparently I can cause alot of emotional, oh what was it?? Here we are, "it hurt and is still emotionally traumatizing." Im not going to share all the words, because it's redic and completely embarressing if true, which I will not admit to. BC I dont remember, just like Im not going to apologize for vomiting on your shirt when I was 6monthes, bc you- prob deserved it and I refuse to take responsibility for something that happened 24yrs ago.

This situation was only 16? yrs ago, but seriously, a 7yr old destroyed your life. What a bad ass little girl, oh a "like yyour mom...what a phsycho". Spell check, seriously, I cant stop laughing and smiling, which might show how fucked up I really am. The things I do remember, should not be shared, like drunken fights between my mother and her husband (by close relation), cops, arrests, 4am journeys to track down said husband who was shacked up with some woman somewhere in the woods. Rumors that his ex wife ran drugs from mexico, and jumping on cars. I remember we almost moved into a trailer, I remember ex-step father (ugh) and his kids living in a camping trailor, when the adults sobered up enough to come to the realization that maybe they need sometime apart and the situation isnt the best, for them or maybe they thought of us kids, and I also remember, honing my packing skills to be ready in 5minutes when my mother decided to leave, several attempts, no successes, til grandma came!! Then only us 2 accomplices got out.

Those are the memories I lock deep in my head, not the day to day bullshit. Somedays we went to school, somedays we stayed home to babysit our x month old brother while our parents were out trying to destroy/find each other. I remember digging a hole in the back yard bc we wanted a pool, I remember a dog, female rottweiler we had, that disappeared one day. THAT is what I remember.

So no, I do not want pictures, I dont want to remember any of it, but I believe that somehow with all the rage and fear that I carry from then, I has helped me become the person I am today, a little, Im giving those terrors that much credit, my father and stable family units had a LOT to do with the successful person I am today.

The things I learned from then, the only things I need to carry with me in my heart are: 1. If a man beats he, he better kill me, because when I get out of the hospital and have all the bruises and cuts measured and documented, his ass doesn't have long. And not a jury of my peers, nurses who see the same pathetic cycle repeat and abused children, will convict my ass. 2. If a man ever cheats on me, that will the last time he ever sees me. There is no "I'm sorry" or present big enough. I dont care what we ever had between us. Now, the other woman, will not be so lucky. She will see my face again or maybe for the first time, fo sho' 3. I will never move away from my family or home for a man. Sorry, if I ever do, Im bringing them with me. 4. If I ever have kids, they will be the light of my life, spoiled ass rotten and never have any of these memories.

So when that past comes and slaps you in the face @515am, spit it out, turn and smile, because without a shit past, we don't know how amazing today and the future is.

And to the person I caused, wait, it was, "emotionally traumatizing" with all these memories and the environment I was in for 2 shit yrs, I believe, blame your father is the answer. But I can tell he's looking for closure, or maybe like his therapist told him, he's trying to move past his shit past and confront his emotional terrorist though only 7yrs old in his head. I don't believe he came to this emotional cleansing on his own, I believe the 12 steps have a hand in it. And good for you, you prick, I coped and moved on with becoming addicted, to anything or anyone. I am sorry, Sorry your not as strong as me & mine who are above that shit. But looking back, you never had a chance, I AM sorry you couldn't get away from your father and refuse to look at his actions as I do. I blame my mother too. But blood is thicker than water, and those events have given my drive, persistence, and the fear of GOD to be better than any of those demons and ghosts chasing me from the west.

So that is the only apology you will ever get from this grown 7yr old. The next thing you send me better have an address, where I can send my restraining order. Because you think I was crazy, or "phsycho" when I was 7??? Bitch, you should see me now!!

You can be addicted to certain kind of sadness

Im speaking of the exhausted, workaholic feeling. I love shopping and traveling, but when nothing is planned and everyone else is busy, I think of all things i want, and how I need money for them and I end up picking up 3/4 days off. This is true is weekend, Saturday Ill be in charge (yikes) something I never want to do, but oh well. You can keep your extra 0.50$. And this AM my manager texted me if I want to work e/n double, 3pm- 7am the next day. Ugh, still undecided, If worked all 12hrs last night I would, super overtime..... "Now and then, I think of all the times you've screwed me over." But I got sent home at 11pm so a float nurse could have her hours, I guess they never get cancelled. So I feel kinda screwed out of my ot, that I deserve. (doesnt everyone?) I was really hoping to be cancelled Saturday, get out of charge duty, but it looks like no. "But I don't want to live that way, thinking it was always something that I did." Oh and we work every other weekend, so it'll be 3 weekends in a row Im working, but my social life is nothing amazing, and the parties I want to go to, I work those days. Today brought to you by... Someone I used To Know- Gotye

whiskey is for sipping and water is for fighting.

Im currently watching a documentary about the bottled water industry and how companies come and pump water and dont pay taxes, or contribute to the community, basically steal this spring water and leave the community dry. In the last months I have become addicted to these documentaries, which leave with all these great business ideas, but you have to be nice to the locals, or they will get angry and make a documentary about how evil u are. Like building a water company, opening a bank, once im rich with capital, being part of the mob, opening a dunkin donuts with a casino in the basement (run by my mob friends), and opening a medicinal marijuana clinic (run by my professional co workers). It just reminds how I get these ideas in my head and obsess over them, until they are my life, haha soml. I still want my sheets but I do not have room in the budget, so I still do not have red sheets and a new comforter, I somehow resisted the urge yesterday, when it was the lowest price since i had been desiring it, even after the bobo vomited on my sheets at 4am....I still am waiting for my fixed up chairs, which will take my extra money this week. So no new sheets and no business plans, yet, but construction continues.

'cause a bad bitch like me is hard to find

Its true. I did some remodeling of this blog, I think it needed it, with summer here and it being 90 degrees outside. So Murphy Law goes, so goes the story of my life. Waiting for validation on a quote, but we will all know soon enough, ugh. Worst case scenario, but I dont run that show, I have enough in my own life.. I cant figure out people, but they seem to have alternative motives, as usual, Ive learned that I really dont have time for bullshit or for you to push my buttons, i still get caught up sometimes and get so angry my heads going to explode, but to derail that train, I try and be as honest as I can. If I dont want old pictures Ima tell you. I dont want that, please dont ask me a 3rd time, you just make me wanna stay away longer, I shouldnt have to drink to cope with your mania. So in a world of passive-aggressiveness, I try to be as straight forward as I can. Some people prob think im a B, but at least you know what im thinking and what i want, even if im wrong. Still working on this in aspects of my life, but construction continues!!

Why you say no.no. no. When its always yeah, yeah yeah

Finally have a day off, yesterday had half a day off but spent it cleaning, recycling, and errands. Or as i like to say, practicing my housewife skills. Someday they will be perfect!! So what has happened in the last 5 months... Well, what didnt happen was: I havent gotten arrested, been placed on some good psych meds, or gotten admitted to the hospital. I believe those are the only things that havent happens, that list is shorter. Still dont have good coping skills so im quite impressed with myself!! I bought a house! In the armpit of the world, all my dreams moving like a gypsy to the Beach, not so enjoyable in real life. All the hurricanes hit the VA beach onthe way to destroy NYC, so i much safer here, with the occasional earthquake from all the "fracking" hahaha. I love reading those articles. The 21st century has come to my home base in search of their natural gas hoarding and the world finally wants to pay us for something. Those people deserve something for owning 40 acres in the middle of nowhere.. Anyhow, I closed on my house valentines day, after 4 months, 50 houses of searching, I found the one. And tho, I graduated from college and have % intitals behind my name, envisioning my capability and bringing myself back into reality and my poor coping skills is still hard. There are some gorgous house here, I looked at several times, and tho I learn they have been "empty" for 3+ years, My desire to have/do it all surpasses my real expectations of what a house should be. I want to restore and and make everything glam and gorgous and have everyone be enveous of what I have and what I did, but in real life the $$$ time, expertese in housing, and dedications out weights me. In short, I do not own a 1920 fixer-upper needs some love, damp moldy basement, 3 story, maid quarters in the attic, house. Nope. As beautiful as the entry way grand stair case, ballroom sized bedroom, and walk up attics were, I reality, where I live, most of the time, I cant handle overhauling a house. "does it have insulation?" What?? I sure as hell hope so... So I live on a dead end street, brick house- less bugs/termite probs, Water proofed basement, deck, and a yard for the bobo. Painted it all, ceilings and all, pics hung on the wall, I own a firproof box, and new furniture. Acting a grown up. I cant believe it's only been three months here, Today I called to cancel my second trash pick up. It seems the city picks up and ties the charges with my water bill. Still working on updating, but even these projects are enough to keep me and my wallet busy. Working overtime at my job, which love tons over my last one. Tho I still dream of going back to school or the ICU, but even the ICU burns you out with ungrateful pts and crazy family members. So who knows,,, what the future holds, Tho i hear it will interesting this summer, as usual. Anyhow, I think im on way to being satisfied with my life/job, but construction continues

soml

its been awhile....yes it has. So many things/ideas/feelings have changed since my last October. I somehow survived my freshman year as a RN. I have switched jobs, started a new job in October, at the mothership. Today I placed an offer on a house, permanently cementing my life in neo. I think this is my fate. I have tried surviving in VA but I dont have my own life there. here is my life. Esp since Halloween. And all those tears are for another day. But everything is going so far the way its supposed to. so thats the soml so far

Well they say, even the best laid plans go to hell

story of my life. I graduated with my BSN 5 months ago, passed my boards 3 months ago, and still don't have a an official RN job. I am so glad i spent 5 years on this career choice. I hear after my one year experience I can go anywhere and do more, but I really have risk my mental health for a one year experience that just might kill me? or worse, suspend my license? idk kids....
I had big plans was to move away from certain (several actually) situations in downtown oHIo. There are certain people that I rather not ever see or run into here, or around here. I hoped to achieve that by moving 500 miles away but as always, GOD had othere ideas. He's not ready to separate me from this wet, gray, cold place. So I'll keep on truckin' on. Story of my life. And what about this house of interest and in dire need of love and repair? Well, that's not happening right now but i do believe it is time for me to get my own place.... Somewhere in this world.

So, yeah, its been a while...

Its crazy how things can change. hopes, dreams, plans, and careers. I am still seeking employment and it would be super ironic if the only place that would hire me is located an hour north of ground zero... anyone who was on Kingsgrave road July 5th knows what I mean.
I need an escape far enough not to be in the loop or accountable for anything. i found that place but my career is not finding me. So im going after it with vengeance! PA, MD, DC, VA, WV, NC, SC, FL, TX, and cali are all far enough away. now which one will get me? whoever calls first!!!

Im almost out of monet but im having the summer of a lifetime, so if I end up in BFE for a year, at least i enjoyed my unemployment time!!

i still believe, like its a bad thing

So when you get burned, don't say i didn't tell you....
So Graduation is a month plus one day away. do I have a job lined up? no, but im calling. sometime soon after i turn in my 1000 point project. Do I know what type of nurse i want to be? No, but I do enjoy ortho. I rather have respiratory and GI over the brain and heart. does that help?
Its crazy how my hopes and dreams have changed in 8 months. I started with living and working in Ohio. then I went on vaca for my birthday and felt I wanted to move to richmond....then, I wanted to stay here and become caretaker of my broken down childhood home. Now that is on hold and i want to move with richmond. i can't take this weather and living in the snowbelt seems like insanity to me.
To fix this problem, i decided i was going to take my board tests twice, one in ohio, and the other in virginia. if i fail one then thats a sign. I would have two licenses in both states plus all of the compact states that virginia is apart of. but oh

"You pay for one test,ok? and you take only one test, ok? then you send it to only on state board of nursing, ok?"
Well thats for the ohio test, but what about the virginia test?
"You take only one test, ok? then you send it to only one board of nursing,ok?"
Ah, thank you.
"Did I answer your questions?"
yes, thank you
"do you have any questions?"
no, goodbye

So i cant take 2 tests, only one. then I have to pick state they send the results to. wtf. really? so the state i picked was no ohio. and I have my reasons and i have plenty of professional and personal references that would agree, but i digress.
No matter which i would have picked, I would have felt guilty that im betraying my loved ones.
But life is not about guilt, its about happiness. and being in virginia makes me happy. mb i'll hate and want to burn the state down, but I'll never know unless i go. mb I'll fall in love with it and have a great life in my apartment with all my shit surrounding me. Since I've made this decision, I have formulated plans in my head to get my own apartment (no roommates) and budget my bills.
So tomorrow I will steal all the phone numbers from the internet and call the hospitals to see if they are hiring new grads!

In my head

So my aunt is in town for week. That family is so exhausting. From the aunt that lives with my grandparents all I hear is how she wants them others to leave and she is not looking forward tu madre coming into town. I just dont understand.
im just used to different family dynamics, were one tells it like it is and exactly how you should fix it. But all the passive aggressiveness in that house drains me emotionally of all my energy. IDK what they are going to do when tu madre comes home, but i wont care bc thats my graduation weekend and its all about me!!! woot woot! Less than 2 monthes till I fn graduate!

Do this huge favor for me..

Oh man, i took a 6 hours nap today and I am supposed to be working on my casestudy, but I have decided to watch all my tv shows instead...now i have a HA and want to go back to bed. Last week ended spring break. I visited VA and got 60 hours in at school!!! I just need to print all that shit and tie it together. We went downtown to the bars and it was amazing. I could totally see myself living downtown and walking to work at the huge MCU they have there.
I just feel like there is so much out there for me to experience and learn. I want a hospital that is going to teach everything that I can fit into my cranium!! I have the basics, the very basics down, but the insights and leadership I need to increase!
I have contacted the hospital down there and should prob call them tomorrow, if I can fall asleep. For the last week Ive been up at 530a!! gross

Why are you asking me?

Its not my gd history. So yesterday on the unit. *woof* Apparently my verbal assessment of this guys legs were not good enough. So when this Dr. came in, he freaked out!!! The Dr before him wrote they were really bad and didn't give him enough info. wtf. So he's yelling and screaming up and down the hall. And thats when i decided: I moving out of here for a job. i don't think up north is hiring really, so Im going to contact other states. I going to start on a letter to other organizations. Its going to take me a couple of days to perfect, but Im going to get the ball moving!!!

Im tired of singing

It has begun to snow again. I wouldn't care except I have to work till 11pm tonight and last time I tried to leave work I turned around to return to work so my dad could pick me up. People are crazy!!! We were backing down hills, then they tried to go around someone backing down the hill ontop of a hill. Nope, not me. So hopefully today will be better. I hope!!
So after I get home it can snow like crazy and cancel clinical of the mental health unit tomorrow! That would be awesome!

Remember all the things we wanted, now all our memories are haunted

So today was my cousin birthday party. I was able to attend this birthday party bc my clinical was canceled. why?? Bc my lady didnt even work today even tho she told me to come. wtf!!! I get my hw done and then went to church. After church, I attended my cousin bDAY! she turned one! So even tho I got one of the worst standing spots ever! next to my aunts long time friend, I didnt freak out bc the great aunts should get to see the baby open her present.
ok fine.
So we are taking pic of the fam and trying to make the baby laugh. After we had sandwiches, which were delish! we had cake. Well this lil gurl tore into her cake and got it all over her hair, face, and in her eyes. then she tried to crawl out so there was cake everywhere!!!
Since she got new clothes for her birthday my aunt cleaned her up and changed her. So after that these relatives related by marriage to me starting talking about my gma's furniture. Esp the hutch, which my Aunt willed to me. The kept saying how they where going to take it home since they had their truck with them. TACKYYY!!!! And then they moved in on my grandpa's desk.
OH HELL~
So here comes my aunt's friend the baby and tell me that her and I are the bitches of the party. ahah. I couldn't believe it. I Asked her why and she said, that those people were bitching about us. WHY??

I try and try to be nice to people esp since they are related but I didnt do anything!! I had to stand behind my aunt and the baby trying to take pics. I didnt do anything!!!! i also got pics of my family.
Morale of the story: next time Im going to give them a reason to call me a BITCH!

And the warnings from her family whirl like a hurricane

She sits among the pieces of broken glass and photographs
Reluctantly releases the last of what was her past
It struck without warning or did she just ignore the signs
In those dark clouds forming behind those silver lines

The door it slammed like thunder and the tears they fell like rain
And the warnings from her family whirl like a hurricane
She's drowning in emotions and she cannot reach the shore
She's alive but can she survive the storm

A broken jewel box dancer in pieces down the hall
She's finding out the answers don't change nothing at all
It's time she stopped searching for who's to blame or what went wrong
The only thing for certain is he's gone, she's got to move on

The door it slammed like thunder and the tears they fell like rain
And the warnings from her family whirl like a hurricane
She's drowning in emotions and she cannot reach the shore
She's alive but can she survive the storm

Someday days just roll on by without a gray cloud in the sky
She keeps telling herself, "I will make it on my own"
And her friends they've all gone back to their lives
Thinking she will be all right
As she races through the night to make it home

The door it slammed like thunder and the tears they fell like rain
And the warnings from her family whirl like a hurricane
She's drowning in emotions and she cannot reach the shore
She's alive but can she survive the storm